epicrapbattlesofhistoryfandomcom-20200222-history
User blog:Wikidude135/Re-Written ERB: Adam VS Eve
This battle does NOT count as part of my season 2, and is just something i wanted to do for fun, as i felt what i added was a missed opprotunity. Enjoy. Epic Rap Battles of History! Adam! VS! Eve! Begin! Eve: This battle's gonna end like every argument does, With you kissing my ass and begging me for a rub! I made a map, motherfucker, and I'm reading it, too. Gives me specific directions how to fuck with you! I know that you like to think you're so macho, But you smell like ballsacks and nachos! I work, while you and your boyfriend Steve Drink and play sports in a fantasy league! You're as sharp as a stick that I rub on my lips, So go ahead, take a shot. I'm sure that you'll miss! Like the laundry, the toilet, the grocery list, If you stopped fucking up, I wouldn't have to get pissed! Adam: My life was fine 'til you had to come along and wreck it. Could you please stop yammering for just ten seconds? You cry about everything but can't decide what you want! "I'm hungry, I'm fat, I'm cold, I'm hot!" You call it complex, but yo, I'd call you a mess. You only wear leaves, but still take 3 hours to dress! You got a lotion for this; you got a cream for that. Got any perfume that smells like "Get the fuck off my back"?! When things are good, they're great, and it's like I'm dreaming, Until your junk starts bleeding and you turn into a demon! It ain't Summer, Eve. Don't try to play me like a douche! You wanna bite on my fruit? Well, you can swallow the truth! Eve: Don't even bring up swallow! The first man on Earth ain't a tough act to follow! One pump chump, and you're hung like a weasel. Ditch the fig leaf; get yourself a pine needle! You want alone time? Have it! In fact, Suck your own dick and shave your own back! That apple's the best thing I bit so far! Now I see how much of a dick you really are! Adam: Sorry, I wasn't listening. Are you still flapping those lips? I was just thinking, "Yo, did I give up a rib for this?" Eve, I just don't know what your problem is. All I know is you're acting like a colossal bitch! (Eve is left in shock, and the music pauses.) ...Of ALL the things i just said, THAT’S what upsets you? Eve: Yeah! You don’t call me a bitch, you-you...freak! Adam: Ok, listen here! If that’s how you’re gonna be, then i’m gonna tell dad how much of a piece of shit you are! Eve: Oh HELL no, you won’t, bastard! (The arguing continues until-) God: That...is quite...enough. (God floats down in, and the beat starts back up.) YO, It’s God! The creator of this world! And I just wanna say, you 2 are making me hurl! You’re stomping and yelling louder than Godzilla! It’s like you 2 were nothing but a pair of gorillas! I mean, JESUS CHRIST, ADAM! Don't tell her what to do! Can’t you stop and imagine a relationship between you 2? And Eve, so what if he’s hairy and has no breasts? You can still do amazing stuff with him. Eve: Like what? God: Sex! Imagine more people roaming around the planet. You 2 can make it happen! You just need to plan it! I know, I admit, it may come at an uncomfortable cost. But when you 2 make love, YOU can be the boss! But if you push out a bratty, whiny little ass, You're gonna feel pretty stupid about the fight you had about the trash! Now, let’s end this feud, and make things out! (God covers the screen with a curtain as Adam and Eve make love.) Yeah, that’s what i’m talking about! WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! Category:Blog posts